Letting Go
by Divanora
Summary: If you're not in love with someone, you should be able to let them go. Especially if it would make them happy. Too bad that's easier said than done.


Title: Letting Go

Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki, I only wish I did.

Warnings: Major angst, m/m relationships, but no sex, sorry. Not beta read, and written at 5 am, so expect grammatical errors, etc. Constructive criticism is welcomed, flames will be laughed at.

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Hakkai glanced into the rear view, his gaze hidden by the ever present monocle. His lover didn't notice his look; too focused on the blond pretending to sleep in the passenger seat. It was getting more obvious, even Goku was likely to notice soon. Hakkai had of course noticed; then again, he had realized it shortly after the journey started. He probably would have noticed it sooner if he hadn't been absorbed in his own issues. It was common knowledge that Gojyo and Sanzo didn't get along – they fought almost constantly, and the healer was almost positive one of these days he'd be healing a bullet wound. But what he had noticed once the journey had started was that their animosity hid an almost primal desire for each other. Of course, once he noticed this, every gesture, every look was analyzed. It soon became obvious that while Gojyo, ever the sensual one, knew exactly what it was he was feeling, Sanzo was painfully oblivious. Given that Sanzo had never even had friends (not that he'd even admit to that yet) before, it wasn't exactly surprising.

And that is where Hakkai's current conflict came in. Shortly after the brunet had started to live with Gojyo, they had started sleeping together. At first, it was only the physical comfort; Gojyo knew Hakkai needed that feeling of closeness that it brought – it had made him feel more human, and he could pretend he wasn't dishonoring Kanan's memory since it was a man, not another woman. However, it had quickly evolved into something more. Which is why Gojyo would pretend that the animosity with Sanzo was exactly that. For all that Gojyo acted the playboy, and Goku and Sanzo assumed that he was jumping beds in each town, Hakkai knew that Gojyo came to his bed, and his bed only. But at much as it hurt, Hakkai knew that he wasn't what the red head needed. He knew what love looked like; he had felt it for Kanan, and knew that given time, he could feel it for Gojyo as well. Gojyo loved him, but there was something missing – they were best friends who happened to sleep together.

The brunet knew what he had to do; it was just steeling himself for the actual event. It would happen sooner or later, he knew, once the kind hearted man felt Hakkai didn't need him anymore. So really, he was only postponing the inevitable to continue as they were. So he would end it himself, to give his friends a chance at happiness. The only concern was that the clueless monk would end up hurting Gojyo; either without realizing it, or out of fear of the unknown. Still, he had to take that risk. Returning his gaze to the road, he resolved to get it over with that night, since they'd be making it to the town. He'd just make sure to only get two rooms.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, not even a single demon assassin out after the scripture. The harisen was brandished with unsurprising regularity, and Goku nearly tumbled out of the jeep during a scuffle, but that was par for the course. When they arrived at the inn, it really did only have two rooms available. The best part was that one of the rooms only had a single bed. He imagined that the gold card would be reimbursing the inn for damages, and there would most likely be several noise complaints, but with any luck, his plan would work. He plastered his best neutral smile on his face, and turned to the rest of the group.

"Only two rooms available, I'm afraid. And I'm rooming with Goku, I'm going to do laundry, and it would be nice to go an entire day without smelling of stale cigarettes."

Gojyo's eye twitched and he shot the healer an accusatory look. "You want me to stay in the same as the monk for _two nights?" _You have got to be kidding me! Can't the saru at least stay with him the first night?"

"No Gojyo, there's no point in switching rooms. I'm sure you'll manage not to kill each other." With that, he grabbed his and Goku's bags and disappeared up the stairs. He needed to make sure he got the room with the double beds. It was going to be a difficult enough night to begin with; sleeping on the floor wouldn't make things any easier.

Right on cue, Gojyo showed up at his door almost immediately after he had set his bags down. The red head glanced at the boy, and then pointedly back at Hakkai.

"Ne, Goku, I think I saw a meat bun stand a few buildings over. I have a bit of cash on me, why don't you go get yourself some?"

The boy's eyes lit up and he bounced up and down in place. "Really? You mean it? Thanks Hakkai!" Goku bounded out of room singing a tuneless song about meat buns, which almost made Hakkai smile, until he remembered the reason why he had to give Goku a distraction.

"What the hell, Hakkai?" Why am I sleeping with the fucking monk when we have _two rooms?" _

The healer took a deep breath. He had been preparing for this for a while, but now, it really didn't seem like the best idea. Still, he had already committed himself, and he would see it through. "You want him Gojyo. It's really very obvious, and what is more, I am almost positive he feels the same way, he just doesn't realize it." Now came the hardest part. "I know you don't love me, and I can't love you. As a friend, yes, but not as what we both need."

Gojyo's expression had changed from shocked, to angry, and then to hurt. "Wait, but…Hakkai, are you sure? I mean, you know I would never do anything to hurt you, you're my best friend!"

Hakkai smiled; a sad, resigned smile. "I am sure, Gojyo. And you just said it yourself, you are my best friend as well, but it is not the same as loving me as your lover. Go." At Gojyo's hesitation, he glared at his friend. "_GO_, Gojyo. I'll be fine."

Gojyo looked at him one more time, a long, searching gaze, then gave him a wistful smile before turning and leaving. As the door closed behind him, he heard Gojyo calling out, "Oi, Sanzo-_saaama"_

He turned back to his room, and set up for the night. Goku came back a while later, and almost instantly fell into the second bed in a heap, and starting snoring.

Hakkai lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. He prayed fervently the entire sleepless night for a demon attack.


End file.
